In the End

May 20, 2021 by See in family

A farm kid a century ago would have had a closer relationship with death than I do, though I’m less of a stranger than most.

But watching some stranger’s light (literally) fade out of them over infrared from thousands of feet up and thousands of miles away is different than this memory of touch, of trust.

Everything I could say feels so cliche, disjointed. No emergency here, just a critter. My critter. My puppy.

I’ve been told it’s not correct to compare my pain to others. But so many have lost so much this last year. It has been a year of death, across the world. And yet in all of that, I’ve been so lightly touched. Lucky, privileged. No sidewalk tents and watching the traffic for me, no phone calls with dying loved ones I can’t see, just some measure of isolation. The background threat of constant elevated cortisol, the navigation of my social relationships with people of differing values. And this one isolated tragedy, so personal, so intense in a world so much bigger than me.

I vacuumed my bedroom this morning. It had been awhile. There was still fur in the corners, under the bed.

Detritus left behind, callously disposed of.

This is how we hurt.

This is how we human.

The Girl Behind the Glass

February 05, 2020 by See in stories, power

I return the custodian’s glare as he encroaches on my spot at the window. Then I take a step back and trod across the soon-to-be wet linoleum to sit down across the hall from your window. The wooden slats of the bench seat slant from the wall towards the floor a few degrees. I keep sliding off and have to dig my feet into the ground. It’s a piece of furniture designed to be uncomfortable. To keep visitors from staying long. I can hear the vitriol you’d spew about bad design and grin a little. The five year old issue of TIME on the table next to me features a seashell-shaped curl of lined, golden butter plastered on a black background under the bold, yellow title. “Eat Butter,” the cover enjoins.

Dominance, Leadership

January 30, 2020 by See in education, personal growth, power, leadership

Many of my adult intimate relationships have not featured these characteristics in my partners. I had to do a lot of work before I could parse the illusion of dominance, self-control, and good-natured flexibility from the reality. Often, what appears to be real self-control is based on a shaky foundation or mixed with subtle misogyny.

Starting Over

January 20, 2020 by See in Ego, Boundaries

My thoughts peck at me, telling me stories. I find all the ways I can interpret someone’s behavior. I can’t take expressions of reassurance and caring at face value. Talking doesn’t help settle me.

I examine my stories. I have work to do. A jump I need to make if I want to keep playing the way I’m playing.

Outgrowing D/s

January 19, 2020 by See in education, personal growth, power, Respect

This conversation sits with me, too. Our whole relationship lies on a foundation of brat taming. I’ve spent the last year learning how to manage responses that many people -- not just him -- have found rude, disrespectful, unpleasant, ill-timed. My short-lived military career did not tame this side of me; instead I collapsed from a combination of the autocratic oppression and work stress. I didn’t want to change to fit a “shut up and color” model...and yet here I am, still trying to get a grip on my own inner teenager.

My Handler's Primary Partner

December 29, 2019 by See in family, education, stories

I imagine the overlap we have now will be brief, in comparison to what might be in store for me in the decades to come (barring surprise confrontation with a semi). This relationship may have a lifespan, a Benjamin-Button like overlap that will work for only so long. Here we find a version of my story. I don’t know what’s true and what I, or we, will make true. The light flexes through a pyramid. Refracts. Separates into the darkness. I can’t see the end of infinity.

Goblin Market: The Prequel

December 22, 2019 by See in power, education, stories, family

“Shelly, be a dear and go fetch another bottle of red from the kitchen.”

Hang the poker up again. Pad on bare feet across the stone floor, skipping the cracks. Why skip the cracks? Don’t know. It’s just a thing you do. There are heaps of dishes in the kitchen, spread across every surface. The turkey carcass, thoroughly picked over, covered in congealed fat, still lies out on a metal platter on the counter. You grab a hunk of french bread out of the basket, slather it in butter that’s been left out, uncovered. What were you doing in here?

Wine. Wine. Where’s the wine?

Making Orange Juice and Threesomes

November 22, 2019 by See in education, personal growth, power

“Your vision is out of reach,” I say to the lead chef, early on in this process. She’s got an idea to recreate a diner-style meal. I’m now five minutes in to squeezing oranges, with less than half a cup to show for it, and I’ve decided my energy might be better put to use elsewhere.

She considers what she’s cooking, what’s already been done, what help she needs with cooking the remaining patties.

“I think it’ll be okay. It might take you awhile, but everything else is pretty much done. I just need to get some condiments out on the table. Is that alright?”

Don't Thank Me for My Service

November 11, 2019 by See in Discard

My war, if I had one, was fought at the end of the 14, 16, 18 hour day when I collapsed on top of a bare mattress, too exhausted to put on clean sheets, still in my uniform. The only concession to comfort I made was to kick off my boots and deblouse my pants.

The Witch in the Woods

November 06, 2019 by See in Boundaries, Respect, power

What is a Witch except a woman with spells? What are spells if not ways to unlock our deepest desires, our most authentic yearnings? The places we hide even from ourselves. The needs we live without due to necessity, or lack of skill, or fear.

Volunteering and Giving Back to the Kink Community

November 03, 2019 by See in Kink, education

My Vision of Portland Kink Culture: Consent, education, and negotiation focused. Empowered bottoms. Woke tops. Supported, mentored newbies. Inclusive, accessible, and welcoming to everybody with or without a label. High-quality, professional support and resources are available for those in need. Consistent, fair, and community-supported restorative justice and accountability models are available for those in need. Run for and by adults.

Playing with Edges: Good Girl

October 31, 2019 by See in Kink, Joy, Boundaries, personal growth

Once, I held up “approval” as a key hard limit.

I think many playmates found this boundary mystifying. Of all the things to say “No” to, most people don’t put “receiving expressions of respect and appreciation from people who care about them” at the top of their list.

The L-Word

October 01, 2019 by See in Boundaries, personal growth

Specific. Without expectation. Love could exist for one minute, a single moment, one afternoon, and then the parties leave the container behind. Such love asks nothing of me that I cannot gift with joyous abundance, from a solid stance. Let me give what I can give -- and not a shred more. Take nothing I do not bring fully. Freely.

Dropping In

September 18, 2019 by See in Kink

Edging up to death, we recognize the sweetness of our lives. He brings me to the edge and holds me there -- a crescendo that never ends. Half a minute. More. Dali’s clocks slide through the crack in the middle of my brain. I am exhausted and bow-tight on the table in an arc between my heels and shoulder blades. Carnal desire beads in the pungent sweat on my upper lip.

Climbing

October 24, 2018 by Laura Reichardt

Crabbing with dad at Garibaldi.

Montana

June 13, 2018 by Laura Reichardt in Not a chance

The story of my disappointing trip to Montana.

Rose Tattoo

May 05, 2018 by Laura Reichardt

Mature audiences. Suicide. Trigger warning. Photo taken a month after. Colorado Rockies.

Discard

March 21, 2018 by Laura Reichardt in Discard, Ego

Curse words, mainly. You know the deal.

Photo is from Moab, 2017.

It Was Cold

March 18, 2018 by Laura Reichardt in Joy, Beatings in the Woods, Respect, Ego, Mental preparation

If you're here, you know the deal. No photos of nudity below. Descriptions of nudity. I can't, in fairness, call this writing NC-17 or R. But it's moderately kinky.

Rite of Passage

March 08, 2018 by Laura Reichardt in Thor, Beatings in the Woods, Boundaries, Respect, Ego, Joy

There are two versions of this story of our 24-36 hour sit spot/meditation. This is the NC-17 version. There is nudity (no images) and I describe my own kinky activities. If you don't want to read about that, but you're still interested in some aspects of this experience, go here instead.