Cycles

Tuesday we go tracking at Oxbow Park. There are some deer. Maybe coyote. I note a place where a deer has taken a step to the side, probably to drink from the stream. There's nothing all that exciting--we are blasé, now, about things that are the baseline animal behavior of a place. At the dunes, I told Grey I wasn't all that interested in tracking. He had the grace, at the time, not to look offended as I blithely dismissed his passion. 

We find the prints of some kind of bird taking off next to a small rivulet of water. The prints are deep, clear. The bird hopped to this spot and took off.

I volunteer that I think the bird was startled by our arrival as we came up the trail this morning. That the prints in the sand look deep, as if the bird threw its entire weight back and forward as it took off.

We discuss why I think the bird might have been startled. We consider the behavior of other birds we have seen that morning; how they pop up from the ground and land on a tree limb above us, but do not flee before us as we walk. They are used to people in this area. They do not seem scared of us, just cautious.  I mention that my interpretation has much of myself in it. This is new; this kind of tracking is deep. Much deeper than counting toes and looking for claw marks. Much has changed since September.

***

Wednesday night I stay late. There's an orientation meeting for prospective students of this course for next year. I hang out to answer questions. 

One man asks a question about starting this course in the fall, or going to one in Maine, where he intends to end up. The responses from the instructors present boil down to, "we teach principles, principles travel well."

I agree with them. Making friction fire is mostly not about what kind of wood you're using (though that helps, and there are some details that are important to know).

I have more to say, too, though I don't say it very well. Public speaking without preparation can be problematic. The principles of friction fire--apply pressure at a specific point in a downward direction on a fire board at the right speed, have a dry tinder bundle, be ready for the coal--are not all that friction fire is. The process of learning and the practice of the skill are about a plethora of internalities.  

Mostly, it's a skill about practice and patience. Frustration. Management--perhaps acceptance--of suffering. I find it physically very difficult to continue as smoke pours into my face. I still haven't gotten a coal, but I do my best not to invest my ego in the outcome. I know that it will happen when it happens. I can make smoke every time now. I know that I am better, closer, more skilled, every day that I take the kit out. Much has changed since October. 

***

On Friday I am disappointed after an interview. A job I wanted, badly, I do not get. In the moment of the disappointment I note the facial expression of the individual delivering the news. I am concerned for her. I ask if she is upset that she is saying "No." I am curious. She walked this path I'm following, at some point. She owns her own feelings. Offers that she hates to deny people things they want. I appreciate her honesty. She asks if I need or want a hug--I am amused. I have asked her the same question, in the past. We hug.

I tell her that six months, a year ago, I would have gone off and cried after our conversation. I do a brief body scan; tell her I'm fine. It's the truth. She connects me with someone else. I accept a different job, make an appointment to follow-up with paperwork. It's not what I wanted, but as I make new plans I shift my mental state. This job is a different kind of opportunity. It allows me more freedom and flexibility. It gives me space to pursue other interests. It still meets many of my logistical needs. Most important, it allows me to work with kids, to teach and hone some of the skills I've come to love.

I sit in my car afterwards, text a couple friends:

"I have a job!"

"A Trackers gig?"

"Yes, for summer. Stoked!"

They celebrate with me.

Much has changed since November.

I am becoming the person I want to be.

Photo taken by Reverend Blue Sky.